Sara: Like the stars we're born to die.

I suck at love.

I know I kept saying I'm over it.

But I'm not.

This sucks.

It's because I keep remembering how he was telling me that he was sitting on the porch and looking at the moon and how he said that the feeling is perfect with just one thing missing, which he told me was me. "You to share the family feeling with." He said.

Of course by then I had heard this a thousand times. Why did it sound so different when he told me these things...was it because I was whipped from the beginning? Was I ever whipped at all? I fear that these questions will never be answered.. And maybe they shouldn't be. Maybe fate has a different plan. Maybe, I wouldn't be able to stand getting my heart broken again...

It seems almost silly how I am on a string without even meaning to be, how I seem to hang on his every word and question his every action. How I want him so bad, but yet I refuse to give him to myself. I could have him physically in a second. Why does it matter to me so much to have him emotionally attached as well? Is it because all in all he was the first guy to ever truly let me down? The first guy who I allowed to let me down? And while I'm asking questions, I should ask myself: Why do I not see myself with him today? Why do I see him as temporary, like a treat you can only have once in a while? What does this mean I want? Why can't I make up my mind, and why isn't he making it any easier for me to do so?!

I just saw him, someone from my past, not moments ago. I was headed to my friend Sarahs house to help her with photography and there he was. Like what? Then my sister started screaming for no good reason and ugh fml. It was just like the time I saw him in Sobeys, he was in line right after us and my dad was paying for our stuff and I saw him and RAN out of there with my sister screaming my name after me. Wow. Smooth Tina. SHEESH.

Like if she wakes up tomorrow and she's dead she will know who killed her.

..never mind..

See the only difference between this time and that time is that this time

He saw me

Anyways,

My former "best friend" (who has as well, replaced me. surprise, surprise.) sends me "updates" on his life from time to time. Isn't that silly? Isn't that..sad?! I talked to him on the phone the other night and it was as if we had nothing to talk about. I couldn't relate to him on any level at all and it was just so uncomfortable. It made me pretty upset. I started crying throughout the conversation and I didn't even know why. He didn't notice which was a good thing. I just kept thinking that he's going to do four years of high school to finish and I'm in my first year with half my credits already accounted for. It's just sad. He's so smart and he had so much potential and...ugh. Just forget it.

I was talking to Sarah last night and she said she got into an argument with her latest boy. She apparently told him never to speak to her again, because he made his profile picture one of him with his arm around a girl he liked for 9 moths and a bunch of other reasons. I didn't know what to tell her. Like, what is one supposed to say in a situation like that? "Hey, it's going to be okay. He's your prince charming so he will chase after you and blah blah blah." Yeah ladies, in your dreams. We should have all realized this by now : Fairytales are for the story books only for our own amusement. Never thought of it this way but in the end this whole "love" thing is for our amusement as well. Everything is such a joke. I guess it's right when they tell us not to take life so seriously, nobody gets out alive anyways.

She takes photographs of people she knows

She brings out the best and worst in them

And god is buried deep in the folds

Of her fractured self and the lies that they've told

She used to laugh at everything old

It was a joke that never aged a bit

But when they robbed her of her infinite smile

She said maybe I'll just play dead for a while