Sara: Strangely, I feel at peace.

It's been almost a year. Today, this morning, I found out something I should have found out a long time ago. The person I have been pining for; the only person who ever seemed to understand... Doesn't feel that way about me. I didn't find out by asking. I found out by observing. Because that's what I do best. I watch and I learn. I found out by knowing him. Something I doubt anyone else had taken the time to do. Maybe we all do this. Maybe we all whip people and then make them believe that we're the perfect one for them...only to let them down in the end. I think I have done that to a few people. And now, I feel crappy. I feel like a monster. I feel like...

Like I never wanna show my face outside these walls again.

The current 'heartbreak'. It's not as bad as when I was let down by him. Now I know I can move on freely without anything holding me to the ground. Maybe he wasn't my happily ever after. And maybe he'll never know about the way I felt about him. But now, it's for the best. I don't want him to know. I don't even think I ever want to see or talk to him again. And it's not because I don't feel grateful to him in any way... It's because he taught me so much, and I hate him for it. I hate that he had to be the one to teach me. I hate that I still remember every expression, every word he said, every conversation. My mind is punishing me by remembering his smile. My mind hate me for it. My heart is shutting down. It doesn't need to hurt anymore, thank god. It doesn't need to waste tears over it anymore....A few last notes before I kill the topic and bury it in the cold ground for good.

Dear You,

I know we don't talk much lately. Only when you start the conversations. I think I made it that way because somehow I thought it could bring us together again. So maybe this time I could tell you all the things that I have left unsaid earlier.

I never told you that it was more than the fact that your eyes are exquisite. It was that they pulled me in. They made me want to believe you, they made me want to be close to you. I never told you that the person I considered my best friend at the moment told me that they had never heard you talk about anyone the way you spoke about me. She still mentions you sometimes, when really, I wish she wouldn't. I never told you that at any time, whenever I was sad, I knew that I could expect you to start a conversation with me. Because somehow, when I was at my worst...As if you knew, you'd start talking to me. And it would be about nothing. But just the fact that you did would fill my heart with hope and confusement. You would still make me feel better, because at that moment you would remind me of the first night we actually spoke, and how you looked at me... Your eyes softened, you know that? They made me feel safe. They made me love you. As much as I hate to say it, I guess you whipped me. You managed to whip the unwhipable. How fantastic for me, isn't it? If you knew, maybe your conscious would come back and maybe you would feel at least a little bad. Because you know everything I have to go through.

That's that. Man I hate that word. Love. It kills souls doesn't it? Well, either way...I know it killed mine. You made yourself the perfect guy for me, my lifetime friends thought so too. Because one of them knew everything. Andrea, you remember her right? You didn't like her much. But she stuck by me until this very moment. Maybe it's not over. Maybe what I heard isn't true. But I've grown up enough to learn to face the facts. It wasn't me you fell for. You claimed to. But I don't believe you. Not anymore.

Do you know that you don't sound the same? You're so easily influenced. Highschool has changed you. Changed the way you talk, changed your voice. I don't like it. I wish you could be like you were before. But I'm aware that that is a hope I should forget about fully.

Remember when you said that you would never forget me? I thought you were just saying little nothings to make me fall for you. And good golly, did you do it. I didn't think much of it until Brooke reminded me and got me thinking. I think you already have. I think you have forgotten the girl who likes to read Shakespeare and falls in love with love stories. I think you just remember me physically and sexually..even though I had never given myself to you. This makes me ...really upset. I wish that you wouldn't talk to me that way, but I don't know how to tell you without losing you for good.

I did love you. I still do, I don't think that will ever change, but I am trying to change it. I missed you everyday, every moment, every millisecond. Everything reminded me of you. But this is goodbye. There is so much more I have left to say..But that's for another time in my own mind. I will remember you always...