Sara: Open, shut.

"You know what? Fuck beauty contests. Life is one fucking beauty contest after another. You know, school, then college, then work, fuck that. And fuck the air force academy. If I wanna fly, I’ll find a way to fly. You do what you love, and fuck the rest." Dwayne - Little Miss Sunshine (via kari-shma)

You lay there and you stare at the ceiling and you hope for your thoughts to forget about you and sleep to find you. That's the way it's been for me since last May. Sleep never came though; and if it did, it only stayed for a little while. I suppose this can reflect anything I ever really needed so far in life. It gets here, and decides to leave while I still need it.

Today, my mom dragged me to church. Last night, she made me say grace at the table. Why? Because my godfather is visiting from Ontario, he's a pope and I should "respect his beliefs". Alright, well that's all fine and dandy as long as my beliefs are respected as well. My mom knows I'm a strong atheist. To me, saying there is a god is like telling a Jesus lover there's not one. You just don't do it or I will argue with you for as long as it takes to prove you wrong. So I really hope this means that when I go visit my godfamily my beliefs will be respected and we will not go to church and we will not say grace. I know this is selfish. But really. I felt so SO disrespected. Sure, he was our guest but you do not let your guest convert you and you do not make "family" believe that you have the same beliefs as them when you clearly do not. That's not family, that's a chaotic lie. We never even eat dinner together, I hate putting on a mask in front of people. Seriously.

I've been thinking a lot about Valentines Day. I started out hating it and I've been alone for every single one so far. But now the more I think about it the more I like the idea. I mean, there are so many lovers out there...why shouldn't there be a day just for them? BUT. Then why don't we have a day for single people. The people who have no idea where their hearts are, or the people who've lost theirs to someone who broke it. People always complain about the world being unfair and yet they do these things, they make these holidays.. Heartbreak is just as popular as Love. Why the hell not?

Yet another thought-

My mom once new a dreamer, once loved a dreamer. This was before my dad. I really do believe she loved him although she now says that he wasn't the once for her. She settled for someone she knew would have a future instead of the one she felt passion towards. Is that the way we all turn out? Getting what we think we need instead of what out hearts need? I don't want to turn out that way. I don't want to make that mistake. I'm going to care about someone and even if they're not the best person for me, I'm going to work it out. I won't just let it go. I'm not that kind of person. She used to sing, now she just doesn't feel like it. With the information I have, you can imagine why I think that is...