We had a public speaker come in at school today. He was great, but I wish he hadn't come. Only for the simple reason that I cried after everything he said. And I didn't just cry for myself.. I cried for Josh and how he lost his parents, and how his friends patted him on the back when Phil(The speaker) mentioned parental deaths, I cried for Jessica and her lost sibling, I even cried after he told us the abortion story. When this one kids mother was pregnant in high school and ran out of the clinic seconds before the abortion operation. If she hadn't run out of there, he wouldn't have been standing there at that very moment. James kept asking me why I was crying... he wasn't looking around him. Some people had their faces down, others looked up as to keep the tears from rolling down their cheeks. A few of the boys faces were red with sadness.. I kept wondering how James could not notice this. There was so much pain in that room in that moment there was nothing more I could do but tear up and then pretend like nothing was wrong after. I don't usually cry in front of people. It's because of my trouble opening up I suppose. But I did cry.
Opening up. I just can't. I'm so bad with my words and I hate it. I hate me for it. I hate that I cannot tell people how I feel. It sucks to have to live my life with everyone unaware that I even do feel this way. I have problems saying "I love you" if I really mean it. If I don't, I'll say it no problem. If I feel it, I won't say it. For this I envy people like Andrea and Sophie, who can just let it out with their voices. I can't do that. I've never been able to do that. Lately I cannot even make people feel better because I know that if I say "it's okay" I'd be lying. Don't get me wrong, I'm a good listener. I have good aspects to me as well. I just wish that I could say how I feel without feeling strangely on edge. I wish that I could start a conversation with the person I really want and Need to talk to without regretting it.... And sometimes, I even wish that I wasn't so great of a listener, so I wouldn't take this pain off of people. So I wouldn't help them out. I know it's a terrible thought...but lately, helping people out is causing me pain. It gives me too much to think about, if I'm worrying about everyone. Yet, I don't have the heart to say 'no, I can't'. Because I WANT to help...it just hurts to.
The glove compartment isn't accurately named
And everybody knows it.
So i'm proposing a swift orderly change.
Cause behind its door there's nothing to keep my fingers warm
And all i find are souvenirs from better times
Before the gleam of your taillights fading east
To find yourself a better life.
I was searching for some legal document
As the rain beat down on the hood
When i stumbled upon pictures i tried to forget
And that's how this idea was drilled into my head
Cause it's too important
To stay the way it's been
There's no blame for how our love did slowly fade
And now that it's gone it's like it wasn't there at all
And here i rest where disappointment and regret collide
Lying awake at night
There's no blame for how our love did slowly fade
And now that it's gone it's like it wasn't there at all
And here i rest where disappointment and regret collide
Lying awake at night (up all night)
When i'm lying awake at night.
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