Sara: Why does it feel like my future is already planned out for me?

I drew my map and then ripped it up. Now less talking and more scribbling.

" We are in such uncharted territory here. We had it all planned out, and in the past few weeks we’ve just taken an eraser to all of it. Our two different versions, which we hadn’t realized were different. The maps are gone. The fantasies are gone. A little bit of trust is gone. But even if we’ve erased all the lines and trajectories… even if we’ve blotted out all the hints and intimations.. the writing on the map is gone, but the paper’s still there. We are still here. You can’t just erase hope and love and history. At the very least, you’d have to burn it. And if we’re still here, we haven’t burned. " Naomi & Ely’s No Kiss List by Rachel Cohn and David Levithan



To do list for Tuesday:

• Celebrate Valentines day with Sarah
• Buy cake
• Wrap gift
• Do math homework
• Write Social essay
• Do science homework
• Read over and understand math notes
• Try to deal with parents
• Forget about Him.
• Start over on English essgay
• Go on mandatory ski trip for 3 days with parents from Saturday to Monday night
• It's too much for me. It'd be too much for anyone. As well as whatever I do on the side helping people and what not....

It's funny how everyone wants to be remembered as a hero, as someone who changed lives. But none of us are going to stick around for that to happen. These heroes in our story books, these knights in shining armour. They stuck around even when they could have left. That's why they are heroes. You cannot expect to be a hero if you are not willing to stick around and pay the small prices to do so. Haven't you ever thought what would have happened in your books if the hero got scared and ran away whenever the damsel in distress was in trouble. There really wouldn't be much of a story now would there be? And yet you ask yourself why you cannot find love. "Or poor me. I ran away, got whipped. Mistaked it for love and then lost something that could have been really special." BooFuckinHoo. Nicely done.

People say this all the time-I know. But, I believe in making your own fate and living in the moment. Yet lately, everything seems pre-planned, like I'm SUPPOSED to see something. Like I'm SUPPOSED to be asleep when I get a certain text from someone or I'm SUPPOSED to be grounded and not have my phone. As if in the long run, it's all going to mean something that I missed all these chances and had all these opportunities snatched away from me... That I do answer the randomest phone calls at the strangest hours in the night. It just seems like it's all going somewhere, and one day it will all mean something. But what? And why can I not know now?

I'm tired of people always interrupting me. I'm really growing to dislike it, although I do understand the pressing need to state ones opinion...But still. I finally decide to try and share my feelings with people and before I can even get a thought out they have something to say. Fine, I guess I'm NOT SUPPOSED to state how I feel about things, and that's fine with me.

I just finished reading Dear John. That book is too realistic. I can't stand it. It made me laugh and then in made me cry and then it made me smile and then it made me bawl. Not a good combo. It also tore my little heart to pieces just think about the fact that two people can go on for the rest of their lives loving one-another but never being together like they should be because they know it will "never be the same". Your feelings won't differ, maybe the situation will but so what? That's life. I'm not going to chose money or purpose over love. Never. Not once. When you find it, you need to hold on to it. And no boys, being 'whipped' does count as love. But I do give props to Nicholas Sparks. Not everyone can write like that. Actually very few people can. Sigh, still. I would have been much happier if the two ended up together and lived "happily ever after". I want that. I want a "happily ever after". I don't care how long it's going to take me to look for it, I will find it. It's not impossible, it's out there. I just know it is. It has to be..

Last night I was sitting on a rock and looking up at the stars. I'm in the mountains now and it's gorgeous out here, especially at night. But while I was sitting on this rock (or rather-pile of rocks) there was a little boy who was being called inside by his father. The boy was trying to climb one side of the rock, and when he got up he took a good look around and went back down.
"Come in, we're going to go swimming." The boys father called.
"No, in a few minutes. I want to climb every side of this thing." The boy said simply.
'Wow' I thought. I used to do that as a kid. Want to see every single little detail, every side, of something before passing final judgement and moving on. What has changed? This boy was only about five or six. He doesn't even know it and he has more insight to the world than any adult I know. Maybe it's because he's so young. Maybe it was because he's not old enough to be in school yet. Maybe, the world just hasn't gotten to him yet...
That little moment, looking at that boy, it changed my entire perspective on new things. Living simply. Noticing the little things. Knowing and feeling that EVERYTHING means something. That's the way to think and live in my opinion. For example, it can go from noticing something considered "small" like holding hands. Now; when I think about it, holding hands, that's huge. Yet most couples today just overlook that and go into the faster paced things. Is it so wrong? To want the little things to mean something? To want romance, passion, caring? It that really too much to ask for in this world, here, today? Because everyone seems to be consumed in this idea of sex. Right now I think holding hands is a big step, and I'm 15. Sex? Really people? You're kidding me, right? That's not even huge anymore, that's colossal, outer worldly, unreal. Don't even mention these things to me until you can understand how something as simple as a hug can be intimate because until you understand this, you have no clue what you are doing.