Sara: Like the stars we're born to die.

I suck at love.

I know I kept saying I'm over it.

But I'm not.

This sucks.

It's because I keep remembering how he was telling me that he was sitting on the porch and looking at the moon and how he said that the feeling is perfect with just one thing missing, which he told me was me. "You to share the family feeling with." He said.

Of course by then I had heard this a thousand times. Why did it sound so different when he told me these things...was it because I was whipped from the beginning? Was I ever whipped at all? I fear that these questions will never be answered.. And maybe they shouldn't be. Maybe fate has a different plan. Maybe, I wouldn't be able to stand getting my heart broken again...

It seems almost silly how I am on a string without even meaning to be, how I seem to hang on his every word and question his every action. How I want him so bad, but yet I refuse to give him to myself. I could have him physically in a second. Why does it matter to me so much to have him emotionally attached as well? Is it because all in all he was the first guy to ever truly let me down? The first guy who I allowed to let me down? And while I'm asking questions, I should ask myself: Why do I not see myself with him today? Why do I see him as temporary, like a treat you can only have once in a while? What does this mean I want? Why can't I make up my mind, and why isn't he making it any easier for me to do so?!

I just saw him, someone from my past, not moments ago. I was headed to my friend Sarahs house to help her with photography and there he was. Like what? Then my sister started screaming for no good reason and ugh fml. It was just like the time I saw him in Sobeys, he was in line right after us and my dad was paying for our stuff and I saw him and RAN out of there with my sister screaming my name after me. Wow. Smooth Tina. SHEESH.

Like if she wakes up tomorrow and she's dead she will know who killed her.

..never mind..

See the only difference between this time and that time is that this time

He saw me

Anyways,

My former "best friend" (who has as well, replaced me. surprise, surprise.) sends me "updates" on his life from time to time. Isn't that silly? Isn't that..sad?! I talked to him on the phone the other night and it was as if we had nothing to talk about. I couldn't relate to him on any level at all and it was just so uncomfortable. It made me pretty upset. I started crying throughout the conversation and I didn't even know why. He didn't notice which was a good thing. I just kept thinking that he's going to do four years of high school to finish and I'm in my first year with half my credits already accounted for. It's just sad. He's so smart and he had so much potential and...ugh. Just forget it.

I was talking to Sarah last night and she said she got into an argument with her latest boy. She apparently told him never to speak to her again, because he made his profile picture one of him with his arm around a girl he liked for 9 moths and a bunch of other reasons. I didn't know what to tell her. Like, what is one supposed to say in a situation like that? "Hey, it's going to be okay. He's your prince charming so he will chase after you and blah blah blah." Yeah ladies, in your dreams. We should have all realized this by now : Fairytales are for the story books only for our own amusement. Never thought of it this way but in the end this whole "love" thing is for our amusement as well. Everything is such a joke. I guess it's right when they tell us not to take life so seriously, nobody gets out alive anyways.

She takes photographs of people she knows

She brings out the best and worst in them

And god is buried deep in the folds

Of her fractured self and the lies that they've told

She used to laugh at everything old

It was a joke that never aged a bit

But when they robbed her of her infinite smile

She said maybe I'll just play dead for a while

Sara: Strangely, I feel at peace.

It's been almost a year. Today, this morning, I found out something I should have found out a long time ago. The person I have been pining for; the only person who ever seemed to understand... Doesn't feel that way about me. I didn't find out by asking. I found out by observing. Because that's what I do best. I watch and I learn. I found out by knowing him. Something I doubt anyone else had taken the time to do. Maybe we all do this. Maybe we all whip people and then make them believe that we're the perfect one for them...only to let them down in the end. I think I have done that to a few people. And now, I feel crappy. I feel like a monster. I feel like...

Like I never wanna show my face outside these walls again.

The current 'heartbreak'. It's not as bad as when I was let down by him. Now I know I can move on freely without anything holding me to the ground. Maybe he wasn't my happily ever after. And maybe he'll never know about the way I felt about him. But now, it's for the best. I don't want him to know. I don't even think I ever want to see or talk to him again. And it's not because I don't feel grateful to him in any way... It's because he taught me so much, and I hate him for it. I hate that he had to be the one to teach me. I hate that I still remember every expression, every word he said, every conversation. My mind is punishing me by remembering his smile. My mind hate me for it. My heart is shutting down. It doesn't need to hurt anymore, thank god. It doesn't need to waste tears over it anymore....A few last notes before I kill the topic and bury it in the cold ground for good.

Dear You,

I know we don't talk much lately. Only when you start the conversations. I think I made it that way because somehow I thought it could bring us together again. So maybe this time I could tell you all the things that I have left unsaid earlier.

I never told you that it was more than the fact that your eyes are exquisite. It was that they pulled me in. They made me want to believe you, they made me want to be close to you. I never told you that the person I considered my best friend at the moment told me that they had never heard you talk about anyone the way you spoke about me. She still mentions you sometimes, when really, I wish she wouldn't. I never told you that at any time, whenever I was sad, I knew that I could expect you to start a conversation with me. Because somehow, when I was at my worst...As if you knew, you'd start talking to me. And it would be about nothing. But just the fact that you did would fill my heart with hope and confusement. You would still make me feel better, because at that moment you would remind me of the first night we actually spoke, and how you looked at me... Your eyes softened, you know that? They made me feel safe. They made me love you. As much as I hate to say it, I guess you whipped me. You managed to whip the unwhipable. How fantastic for me, isn't it? If you knew, maybe your conscious would come back and maybe you would feel at least a little bad. Because you know everything I have to go through.

That's that. Man I hate that word. Love. It kills souls doesn't it? Well, either way...I know it killed mine. You made yourself the perfect guy for me, my lifetime friends thought so too. Because one of them knew everything. Andrea, you remember her right? You didn't like her much. But she stuck by me until this very moment. Maybe it's not over. Maybe what I heard isn't true. But I've grown up enough to learn to face the facts. It wasn't me you fell for. You claimed to. But I don't believe you. Not anymore.

Do you know that you don't sound the same? You're so easily influenced. Highschool has changed you. Changed the way you talk, changed your voice. I don't like it. I wish you could be like you were before. But I'm aware that that is a hope I should forget about fully.

Remember when you said that you would never forget me? I thought you were just saying little nothings to make me fall for you. And good golly, did you do it. I didn't think much of it until Brooke reminded me and got me thinking. I think you already have. I think you have forgotten the girl who likes to read Shakespeare and falls in love with love stories. I think you just remember me physically and sexually..even though I had never given myself to you. This makes me ...really upset. I wish that you wouldn't talk to me that way, but I don't know how to tell you without losing you for good.

I did love you. I still do, I don't think that will ever change, but I am trying to change it. I missed you everyday, every moment, every millisecond. Everything reminded me of you. But this is goodbye. There is so much more I have left to say..But that's for another time in my own mind. I will remember you always...

Sara: Hollywood had never done love or the works of fiction any good.

Movies change stories so much these days that they are leading us to believe that only certain types of girls or guys can fall in love. Funnily enough; once again it's all about image. Except the girls in the movies come with both the image and the personality, same with the boys. So then normal people go out searching for this, they find the image and think the personality comes with it. They are almost always wrong. I realized this while watching Dear John the other night. In the book, there was a plain girl with brown hair and compassionate eyes. She didn't seem to have a perfect body or long legs. Of course, on the big hollywood screen they made her a blond with large breasts, extremely long legs and a fake sympathetic face. Her face was really saying that she didn't care. No hollywood. Bad.

"I wish everyone was loved tonight"

For once I'd love to see a plain girl on screen who may or may not be slightly overweight with a pretty face. That's all. Maybe it would help some people in what their thoughts on love and who should be loved are. Is that really too much to ask?

Sara: Life in prison

My body is imprisoned.

It’s true what they say when they say that prison makes you crazy. It does. You can’t even help it. What sucks more is that when the people you think you 'love' and who are "supposed" to 'love' you too imprison you and think it’s “for your own good”. NEWS FLASH; if it makes me cry, it isn’t good for me, it’s killing me. I’m dying. Emotionally I mean. I can feel it. I no longer wish to be on this earth. Every single thing makes me angry (It's probably just one of those days but still). Tell me. HOW IS THAT GOOD FOR ME? HUH?! ANSWER THAT. So it’s good that I think about different ways of dying every waking hour, it’s good that I cry myself to sleep? Great. Well if that’s the meaning of life and I’m supposed to be learning the lesson that life sucks everyday then you’re doing a grand job. Let me tell you-it’s just great. You have completely convinced me that there is no hope for me in the future because I’m planning on dying young (Emotionally. So technically I mean conforming.) now that I know how much life actually 'stinks'. Joyous isn’t it? So much has been happening and it won’t seem to stop. I can’t stand where I am. My mind is a continuous flow of curse words that are just waiting to escape my lips. I hate people. I hate humanity. I hate my prison guards. They don’t understand anything. They’re still living the life of parents 30 years ago. Times have changed. Learn that.

"People change, even the person you thought you knew the most, changes. And even though it hurts to see them go; you have to move on, for the memories are all you have, and things might never be the same."

I finished everything; I’ve done everything I can do for the moment. Now I have to let time do the rest. And yet I’m still punished. I’m still being beaten for doing better? Does that make sense to you? I’m just lying around the house, not doing anything. Because there is nothing to be done. Whatever I could be doing I’m not allowed to do. Isn’t life grand?

"You lost yourself in your search to find something else to hide behind. You gotta stand up and you gotta stand still, watch your back cause no one else will." – Lifehouse

My dad was going to let me off the hook for an hour, let me outside, let me breath air. But then…he talked to momma. You know how that is. So of course, I didn’t get the fresh air I so rightly deserved, and I didn’t even get an apology. I couldn’t even say what I was thinking because it would have started an argument and that’s the last thing I need right now. They say I have this “my way/ highway” attitude and I shouldn’t try to force what I want on them. Really? Is that what you guys have been teaching me in my life? How? Because my whole life you have been forcing what you want on me. It bothers me so greatly that some days…well. Forget it. Anyways, after my father talked to the mother figure he told me I couldn’t go.. He said something else, but I wasn’t paying attention. I was too angry. But I wasn’t about to show it on my face at that moment. I just wanted to get out of that room. I didn’t want them to talk to me and I didn’t want them to look at me. So I went upstairs where my little sister and her ugly-on-the-inside friend were in my room on the computer. I don’t know why but this made me even angrier, especially having to be surrounded by their terrible, fake energy. I calmed myself down and stared at the ceiling, just thinking. I thought ‘how much trouble would I get in if I just left?’ I wouldn’t. I’m a goody two shoes. I’m no rebel. But it was an interesting thought, and I was seriously curious. So I went down the stairs to ask my father. My mother was watching a movie at the time so I tried not to look at her while I went down the stairs. At some point there she asked me “You do understand why we’re doing this, right?” In my head I told her ‘No. I understand that you want me to be miserable which is exactly why you are letting me stay cooped up and letting me cry without batting an eyelash. I understand that by punishing me you reassure your sense of control over me, which you like. So now you should understand that until things change around here you are not hearing from me.” But instead I told her “yes”.

“Good” She nodded.

“Mhm.” I tried to end the conversation as quickly as possible.

“I don’t like you’re pissed off tone of voice Sara.” She was obviously really pushing the curses out.

“Well I don’t like being held prisoner so I guess we’re both not happy.” Finally I said something slightly gutsy and went back upstairs, only half hearing what she was saying behind me.

The next time I came down I went and lied down on the floor in the den and stared at the ceiling. Tears would come and go, but my expression never changed. It was dark there. I refused to turn on the light, as if turning it on would signify that I felt hopeful in any way that things would get better for me. I know they won’t though. My math mark may go up and maybe I’ll get ungrounded. But me ever being truly happy is a doubtful thought indeed. I’m not saying this because I’m depressed, sure I know I will skim the feelings of happiness all the time, but I will never be truly engulfed in it. Because once upon a time, I opened up to someone. And I got them taken away too. That was the last time I was on the floor in the den, crying. I do that a lot lately, I’ve noticed. Crying, I mean. I cry over everything. I just saw my grandmother’s bed and started crying. My head hurts of it. I want to stop….

I'll still smile though. Nothing is going to take that from me. If all I'm going to do is skim happy then that's that. That's the way it is :).

"When it's over, I want to say: all my life I was a bride married to amazement. I was the bridegroom, taking the world into my arms." - Mary Oliver

My mind is imprisoned, and who wants a life imprisoned in safety?

At least I'm not embarrassed to tell you that I believe in miracles.

Sara: In sooth, I hate myself.

I need to write him something, I know. I just have no idea what...

We had a public speaker come in at school today. He was great, but I wish he hadn't come. Only for the simple reason that I cried after everything he said. And I didn't just cry for myself.. I cried for Josh and how he lost his parents, and how his friends patted him on the back when Phil(The speaker) mentioned parental deaths, I cried for Jessica and her lost sibling, I even cried after he told us the abortion story. When this one kids mother was pregnant in high school and ran out of the clinic seconds before the abortion operation. If she hadn't run out of there, he wouldn't have been standing there at that very moment. James kept asking me why I was crying... he wasn't looking around him. Some people had their faces down, others looked up as to keep the tears from rolling down their cheeks. A few of the boys faces were red with sadness.. I kept wondering how James could not notice this. There was so much pain in that room in that moment there was nothing more I could do but tear up and then pretend like nothing was wrong after. I don't usually cry in front of people. It's because of my trouble opening up I suppose. But I did cry.

Opening up. I just can't. I'm so bad with my words and I hate it. I hate me for it. I hate that I cannot tell people how I feel. It sucks to have to live my life with everyone unaware that I even do feel this way. I have problems saying "I love you" if I really mean it. If I don't, I'll say it no problem. If I feel it, I won't say it. For this I envy people like Andrea and Sophie, who can just let it out with their voices. I can't do that. I've never been able to do that. Lately I cannot even make people feel better because I know that if I say "it's okay" I'd be lying. Don't get me wrong, I'm a good listener. I have good aspects to me as well. I just wish that I could say how I feel without feeling strangely on edge. I wish that I could start a conversation with the person I really want and Need to talk to without regretting it.... And sometimes, I even wish that I wasn't so great of a listener, so I wouldn't take this pain off of people. So I wouldn't help them out. I know it's a terrible thought...but lately, helping people out is causing me pain. It gives me too much to think about, if I'm worrying about everyone. Yet, I don't have the heart to say 'no, I can't'. Because I WANT to help...it just hurts to.

The glove compartment isn't accurately named
And everybody knows it.
So i'm proposing a swift orderly change.

Cause behind its door there's nothing to keep my fingers warm
And all i find are souvenirs from better times
Before the gleam of your taillights fading east
To find yourself a better life.

I was searching for some legal document
As the rain beat down on the hood
When i stumbled upon pictures i tried to forget
And that's how this idea was drilled into my head

Cause it's too important
To stay the way it's been

There's no blame for how our love did slowly fade
And now that it's gone it's like it wasn't there at all
And here i rest where disappointment and regret collide
Lying awake at night

There's no blame for how our love did slowly fade
And now that it's gone it's like it wasn't there at all
And here i rest where disappointment and regret collide
Lying awake at night (up all night)
When i'm lying awake at night.

Sara: Why does it feel like my future is already planned out for me?

I drew my map and then ripped it up. Now less talking and more scribbling.

" We are in such uncharted territory here. We had it all planned out, and in the past few weeks we’ve just taken an eraser to all of it. Our two different versions, which we hadn’t realized were different. The maps are gone. The fantasies are gone. A little bit of trust is gone. But even if we’ve erased all the lines and trajectories… even if we’ve blotted out all the hints and intimations.. the writing on the map is gone, but the paper’s still there. We are still here. You can’t just erase hope and love and history. At the very least, you’d have to burn it. And if we’re still here, we haven’t burned. " Naomi & Ely’s No Kiss List by Rachel Cohn and David Levithan



To do list for Tuesday:

• Celebrate Valentines day with Sarah
• Buy cake
• Wrap gift
• Do math homework
• Write Social essay
• Do science homework
• Read over and understand math notes
• Try to deal with parents
• Forget about Him.
• Start over on English essgay
• Go on mandatory ski trip for 3 days with parents from Saturday to Monday night
• It's too much for me. It'd be too much for anyone. As well as whatever I do on the side helping people and what not....

It's funny how everyone wants to be remembered as a hero, as someone who changed lives. But none of us are going to stick around for that to happen. These heroes in our story books, these knights in shining armour. They stuck around even when they could have left. That's why they are heroes. You cannot expect to be a hero if you are not willing to stick around and pay the small prices to do so. Haven't you ever thought what would have happened in your books if the hero got scared and ran away whenever the damsel in distress was in trouble. There really wouldn't be much of a story now would there be? And yet you ask yourself why you cannot find love. "Or poor me. I ran away, got whipped. Mistaked it for love and then lost something that could have been really special." BooFuckinHoo. Nicely done.

People say this all the time-I know. But, I believe in making your own fate and living in the moment. Yet lately, everything seems pre-planned, like I'm SUPPOSED to see something. Like I'm SUPPOSED to be asleep when I get a certain text from someone or I'm SUPPOSED to be grounded and not have my phone. As if in the long run, it's all going to mean something that I missed all these chances and had all these opportunities snatched away from me... That I do answer the randomest phone calls at the strangest hours in the night. It just seems like it's all going somewhere, and one day it will all mean something. But what? And why can I not know now?

I'm tired of people always interrupting me. I'm really growing to dislike it, although I do understand the pressing need to state ones opinion...But still. I finally decide to try and share my feelings with people and before I can even get a thought out they have something to say. Fine, I guess I'm NOT SUPPOSED to state how I feel about things, and that's fine with me.

I just finished reading Dear John. That book is too realistic. I can't stand it. It made me laugh and then in made me cry and then it made me smile and then it made me bawl. Not a good combo. It also tore my little heart to pieces just think about the fact that two people can go on for the rest of their lives loving one-another but never being together like they should be because they know it will "never be the same". Your feelings won't differ, maybe the situation will but so what? That's life. I'm not going to chose money or purpose over love. Never. Not once. When you find it, you need to hold on to it. And no boys, being 'whipped' does count as love. But I do give props to Nicholas Sparks. Not everyone can write like that. Actually very few people can. Sigh, still. I would have been much happier if the two ended up together and lived "happily ever after". I want that. I want a "happily ever after". I don't care how long it's going to take me to look for it, I will find it. It's not impossible, it's out there. I just know it is. It has to be..

Last night I was sitting on a rock and looking up at the stars. I'm in the mountains now and it's gorgeous out here, especially at night. But while I was sitting on this rock (or rather-pile of rocks) there was a little boy who was being called inside by his father. The boy was trying to climb one side of the rock, and when he got up he took a good look around and went back down.
"Come in, we're going to go swimming." The boys father called.
"No, in a few minutes. I want to climb every side of this thing." The boy said simply.
'Wow' I thought. I used to do that as a kid. Want to see every single little detail, every side, of something before passing final judgement and moving on. What has changed? This boy was only about five or six. He doesn't even know it and he has more insight to the world than any adult I know. Maybe it's because he's so young. Maybe it was because he's not old enough to be in school yet. Maybe, the world just hasn't gotten to him yet...
That little moment, looking at that boy, it changed my entire perspective on new things. Living simply. Noticing the little things. Knowing and feeling that EVERYTHING means something. That's the way to think and live in my opinion. For example, it can go from noticing something considered "small" like holding hands. Now; when I think about it, holding hands, that's huge. Yet most couples today just overlook that and go into the faster paced things. Is it so wrong? To want the little things to mean something? To want romance, passion, caring? It that really too much to ask for in this world, here, today? Because everyone seems to be consumed in this idea of sex. Right now I think holding hands is a big step, and I'm 15. Sex? Really people? You're kidding me, right? That's not even huge anymore, that's colossal, outer worldly, unreal. Don't even mention these things to me until you can understand how something as simple as a hug can be intimate because until you understand this, you have no clue what you are doing.

Sara: I'm the hero of this story. I don't need to be saved.

As It stands

<-- That is getting put on my left wrist in the near future. As soon as I get a job to pay for it. I'm thinking about applying to Second Cup. I might as well, I pretty much live there anyways. Well no, I don't live there exactly, but it would be cool to go there, work a bit, get payed. I don't know. I just need a job....

I'm trying to find the book "Dear John" but it is no-where to be found. :(

You know how people are always saying exactly what they want in a person and they then start to look for people like that? Today I found out my entire perception of what I thought I wanted was wrong.

I thought I wanted the jock boy. The one all the girls are after. The one with the nice lanky body, the nice wardrobe, blue eyes and great hair. Someone who said all the cliche cute things that you know aren't true but you like to hear them anyway.

I was wrong.

Very, very, wrong.

Turns out I have absolutely no way in this lifetime to fall for someone like that because I was there once, and I couldn't feel a thing.

I have found that I want someone simple. Someone you could cuddle up to in front of a fire, who you can be natural with.

But every girl wants a prince charming of their own. So what makes anyone so sure that they'll get him? I mean, I believe everyone must of been able to find one before. Because everyone seems to have the one person that "got away". What would happen if these people didn't LET those people get away? What if they chased them forever and worked it out and just stopped giving up on every damn thing that gets tough to deal with? Would there be as many unhappy people today? As many divorces? As many murders, suicides?

Perhaps this is the way people begin to know each other, so it's just becomes too much. Because once your idea of a person is shattered people get frightened. That's just too much for some people to deal with. When you begin to know someone as well as you know yourself, you need to let go. Because of energy and your space. Not many people can stand knowing someone that well without feeling the need to pull away. So you settle for second best. Someone you can get near without really knowing them. Someone you can look at without getting feelings in the pit of your stomach that scare you. I'm not going to settle for that. I'm not going to make the same mistakes I've seen being made everyday.

" Maybe its like you said before, all of us being cracked open. Like each of us starts out as a watertight vessel. And then things happen - these people leave us, or don’t love us, or don’t get us, or we don’t get them, and we lose and fail and hurt one another. And the vessel starts to crack in places. And I mean, yeah once the vessel cracks open, the end becomes inevitable. Once it starts to rain inside the Osprey, it will never be remodeled. But there is all this time between when the cracks start to open up and when we finally fall apart. And its only that time that we see one another, because we see out of ourselves through our cracks and into others through theirs. When did we see each other face to face? Not until you saw into my cracks and I saw into yours. Before that we were just looking at ideas of each other, like looking at your window shade, but never seeing inside. But once the vessel cracks, the light can get in. The light can get out." Margo, Paper Towns - Author, John Green

Sara: Open, shut.

"You know what? Fuck beauty contests. Life is one fucking beauty contest after another. You know, school, then college, then work, fuck that. And fuck the air force academy. If I wanna fly, I’ll find a way to fly. You do what you love, and fuck the rest." Dwayne - Little Miss Sunshine (via kari-shma)

You lay there and you stare at the ceiling and you hope for your thoughts to forget about you and sleep to find you. That's the way it's been for me since last May. Sleep never came though; and if it did, it only stayed for a little while. I suppose this can reflect anything I ever really needed so far in life. It gets here, and decides to leave while I still need it.

Today, my mom dragged me to church. Last night, she made me say grace at the table. Why? Because my godfather is visiting from Ontario, he's a pope and I should "respect his beliefs". Alright, well that's all fine and dandy as long as my beliefs are respected as well. My mom knows I'm a strong atheist. To me, saying there is a god is like telling a Jesus lover there's not one. You just don't do it or I will argue with you for as long as it takes to prove you wrong. So I really hope this means that when I go visit my godfamily my beliefs will be respected and we will not go to church and we will not say grace. I know this is selfish. But really. I felt so SO disrespected. Sure, he was our guest but you do not let your guest convert you and you do not make "family" believe that you have the same beliefs as them when you clearly do not. That's not family, that's a chaotic lie. We never even eat dinner together, I hate putting on a mask in front of people. Seriously.

I've been thinking a lot about Valentines Day. I started out hating it and I've been alone for every single one so far. But now the more I think about it the more I like the idea. I mean, there are so many lovers out there...why shouldn't there be a day just for them? BUT. Then why don't we have a day for single people. The people who have no idea where their hearts are, or the people who've lost theirs to someone who broke it. People always complain about the world being unfair and yet they do these things, they make these holidays.. Heartbreak is just as popular as Love. Why the hell not?

Yet another thought-

My mom once new a dreamer, once loved a dreamer. This was before my dad. I really do believe she loved him although she now says that he wasn't the once for her. She settled for someone she knew would have a future instead of the one she felt passion towards. Is that the way we all turn out? Getting what we think we need instead of what out hearts need? I don't want to turn out that way. I don't want to make that mistake. I'm going to care about someone and even if they're not the best person for me, I'm going to work it out. I won't just let it go. I'm not that kind of person. She used to sing, now she just doesn't feel like it. With the information I have, you can imagine why I think that is...

Sara: The beginning of Fiction.

Once upon a time and all that jazz...

It feels weird to be starting something new all over again after everything I have been through with my last blog.

-sniffles-

BUT ANYWAYS,

Now onto something much much stranger. The events, thoughts, and dreams of last night.

But first;

Hello, hi, cao. I'm Sara.

I've finished 15 years of life and am onto my 16th...woo-hoo..

I've been in love only once, English is my second language, I read entirely too much, I don't like being close to people, and I have no best friend.

There we go, you know a little bit about me. Aren't you proud?

Finally we can move on,

Last night was probably one of the strangest sleeps I have ever had. I usually don't fall asleep till about 5a.m.ish but I went to bed last night at 11? Hm. Then someone woke me up with a phone call at about midnight, drunk, asking to talk about their problems? Like wow. As if that wasn't enough I'm getting texts that I wish HAD woken me up earlier than 3 am. Oh well.... I always seem to miss my chance when it comes to that. Screw it.

Today is going to be one of those days, I can just tell! I mean, I can't hold a conversation with anyone today and I just feel like sleeping. Plus you know who has been brought up more than I'd like to say and I cannot get him off of my mind. I need to meditate.

Currently listening to: Untouchable-Taylor Swift

It's good but it makes me a little sad....

The beginning of Fiction, also known as the beginning of the end. It's when girls began to believe in romance, in this concept called love. And then from then on it all fell apart. This we will dwell on continuously as you will see when I continue writing and you hopefully continue reading...

11:40 p.m.

Hello, Hi. Once again. Guess what? I predicted right, today was exactly one of those days. Wow. I am just extremely scared/surprised right now? This is impossible. I was just thinking about this kid and then he texts me. What. The. Officially the strangest thing that's ever happened to me. Like magic.

..

..I'm still surprised..

...This is going to bug me for weeks now...

..

I just got home from the water park. Where I can kindly thank two people in general for helping me get over my fears (kind of) of heights/deep water/fast rides.

Stefan: Thanks for your pep talk bud,

"Life is made for taking chances...Well, at least that's what they say in the army."

"Sara, stop being a pussy."

As seen, he was veerrrrryyy reassuring to say the least.

Matt: I don't know but this kid gave me the kindest pep talk ever. Like holy moly. It was insane. It was like understanding and gentle? Hard to explain but it helped me with the heights thing SO MUCH.

Thank you buddy boy. :)